So picture yourself sitting on train tracks and you can see the train from a distance. It’s approaching, and you could (maybe even easily) move yourself from the tracks and into safety. But someone who you trust told you to wait and they would come get you.What would you do?
Maybe that’s a horrible analogy, but that’s how I feel lately in regards to our whole house and financial situation. Jason’s job ends in 5 weeks. That’s like 2 or 3 more paychecks. Then what? Nothing! That’s what! We’ve both applied for jobs but nothing is opening up yet. And the worst part is, I worry about how people must think we’re idiots because he’s stepping away from his current job because of this call to go back to school. I worry what people think too much. He didn’t get let go from his job all of a sudden, we chose this. And since we assumed he’d be going to school in the fall the appropriate time to leave would be near the end of summer, right? Well, since funding was an issue and now he can’t start until January, there is that 5 month gap of nothing to fill. So yes, we struggle with being looked at as silly, irresponsible, reckless. Even if the train hits us, and we’re forced to foreclose on our house cause it doesn’t sell, we have no job and have to move in with family or whatnot, we will still make this PhD thing happen. Trust me, I will be the train wreck when it comes to saying goodbye to a house I love and have been raising my babies in. If we don’t push forward though and do this, we will always wonder “what if”. And worse yet, we would have been disobedient to God’s calling on our lives. I don’t know why He’s leading us down this route, other than to have Jason become a teacher. I’m excited to share with all of you what ups and downs do happen as we’re nearing the end of the beginning of this adventure.
I’m not always strong. Writing this blog has given me an outlet, helped me share our lives with friends and family I don’t see all the time, but mostly it has been a way God has encouraged me through the thoughts He gives me to share, and the responses I receive from readers. That is a major blessing that gives me renewed strength, endurance, hope to believe that what God promises he sees through. Some may think it’s a cop out, but I really do think that just because it’s not the easiest route, or the way we think a situation is going to go, doesn’t mean God’s hand isn’t in it or that He’s not going to fulfill His promise. If you don’t believe me, just watch Veggie Tales Abe and the Amazing Promise.
Seriously, though, God is teaching me to trust through Miles every day. When I tell Miles to wait because I see something ahead of him that will hurt him, he sometimes throws a FIT. He thinks I’m not going to let him go where he wants to go at all. I am. But I see something he doesn’t. So I stop him and ask him to wait. If he doesn’t, he could get hurt. If he calms down long enough to listen, he doesn’t. And sometimes he even listens long enough for me to explain WHY I had him wait and because I want what’s best for him and I love him. So elementary, yet I need those lessons every day.
I resist the urge to be like Sarah and when promised she will have a child (that she’s longed for) at her very old age, she decides to take matters into her own hands and has her husband (Abraham) sleep with Hagar, her servant. That wasn’t what God had in mind, He wanted Sarah to have a child (Isaac). I feel humbled and scared because I have the power to tell Jason, forget about this. We are going to be homeless and broke, so you do what ever it takes to get a job in Ashland, or I will get one, you stay home with the kids, I’ll just work to make a paycheck, we’ll keep the house, on and on and on. I don’t feel like that would be an easy route either, but I know doing an about-face on this call on our lives would be cowardly and very control-freakish of me. This feeling of being out of control in this situation is terrifying. Yet, extremely exciting and comforting. I know who’s really in control- and who wouldn’t want the creator of the universe, who is so madly in love with all of us, to be so in control of our lives that we aren’t even worried about the outcome of a situation? I’m not saying every situation will end happy or well or how you want it to. Our current situation may not either. But I know it’s not about what I think should happen or about being successful and responsible in the eyes of our society. It means just being open enough to be silent and listen to the One who knows you in and out.
Sometimes we are to act on something, other times we need to wait on the Lord, as painful as it may be. Jason and I are pretty impatient people, this has not been easy for us by any stretch of the imagination. We’re not doing in perfectly, oh my goodness are we not doing this perfectly. I’m just sharing this process of learning I’m experiencing. I have an equal amount of faith and doubt. I just hope we’re stepping aside long enough, now that we’ve done all we can do, to let God take over and fulfill the work He wants to do through us. Trusting that He will come through and save us from the geyser eruption that I see gurgling up over the diaper and up the back of my daughter as I write this- I mean speeding train. I was using a train for my analogy. Okay, gotta go. Dooty calls.