Is it just me, or has it been a long winter? Maybe it’s been the teasers of nice weather that we had in February, making us forget that in fact, it was February, and not its more cheerful cousin, April.
Still no word from our other two schools. I’m getting numb to the waiting, but at the same time, I don’t like what it’s doing to my spirits and my attitude. It’s making me a very impatient, snappy, irritable person at times, and I feel the weight of it grow every day that we don’t get an answer. I know I’m to be learning from this, and growing and strengthening my faith, but on these cold, extremely rainy days where I am a prisoner in my house most every day all day long, I can feel my back tensing and my eyes puffy and heavy and twitching, and my breathing short and shallow. The unknowns are slowly getting the best of me, and when God is begging for me to give Him control, I’m screaming “But Lord, I feel so OUT of control, I can’t even think straight! The control is floating around here, just take it please!”
But maybe He’s not asking me for control, and He knows I’m not in control either. Just because He is in control doesn’t mean I need to see things lining up perfectly or knowing exactly when I want to know if we have a school to go to in the fall, or if we’ll have the money to start paying our student loans again once they come out of forbearance this month, and then mine next month, and then another one the following month, at least until Jason gets into a school???? so we can defer his loans again? I know, TMI. Or to know exactly when our house will sell.
I know no one made us decide to have a baby when we did.
I know no one made us decide I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom.
I know no one made us decide to act on the call that Jason would have more schooling.
I know no one made us decide to put our house up for sale in a horrible market before we even know where we are going or what job Jason will have if all schools say “no.”
“You made your bed, now lie in it.” I get that.
I also know that we are genuine, real people. People that are doing our best to listen and obey our Lord. We love people and we want to have deep, meaningful relationships with them. We want to grow in the areas we’re passionate about and use them for Christ to the benefit of others, and in turn, making ourselves richer, more alive people. We’re human and we screw up and we fight and we jump to conclusions and we can be stubborn and aloof and selfish…but what you see is what you get with us. But we truly want to dive into the life we were meant to have, and that might look out of order or irresponsible to our society, but this is small potatoes compared to some of the risks and trials our brothers and sisters are enduring here and all over the world. And when I think of them, I feel totally selfish for worrying about my petty problems of paying bills, moving and selling a house. Do I think God would call us on this journey and not take care of us and our little one? What kind of faith do I own? “The flesh is weak…”
So for all the times where we’ve felt irresponsible, out of control, pessimistic, and “what if”-ed the day away, those have been wasted hours of my life. The times I have felt such peace and hope are equal to those days of doubt and wallowing in self-pity. I don’t want to have anymore of those days.
Even if it takes another 2 months for any glimpse of the future to reveal itself, I don’t want to have another day gone to waste. I want to enjoy the last weeks of a house that Jason and I started our life together in, brought home our first dog, our first baby, had neighbors who became more than neighbors- they became dear friends.
So, really I should be thankful for a long winter, and thankful for the blessing of time God has allowed us to have together in our home. We are all healthy, our bills get paid, we have friends and family who love us deeply; our list of how we are blessed is beyond measure, and we take those blessings for granted every time we fret about the future.
Thank you, to all the friends and family who have been praying for us and giving us encouragement, words of comfort, helping us carry our burden, anxiously waiting with us for God to reveal His plan. Your love for us and hope of our future overwhelms me. Long winter or not, thank you. If my grandma were still around, she would say “This too, shall pass.” That is one thing we can know for sure.